Day 33, March 4

1:11pm - I find myself continuing to push people away. I don't know why I would do such a thing, but it's happening and I don't want it to. I'm sitting down here with a bowl of ramen and a not so cheery mood. I wish all of this would just go away. the homework, the stress, the pressure, --, just..everything. I feel like judgment day is coming to see whether or not I can continue with everything I have on my plate at the moment. I have the Extended Essay and Group IV things to deal with. Nexus, Beta Club, and NHS. [TSA is a whole other story] The IB Chemistry exam which I believe we all feel that we've failed it already. English Paper 2 due...the 16th. Science FCAT also the 16th. End of the nine weeks the 27th. $2500 to go to states by April 1st. State officer application also due the 1st. AND Cyberspace Pursuit website..also due the 1st. There's just pressure and stress everywhere! It has already been almost a month since I've been sick..and where am I now? Still doing makeup work. Just got done with a few make up tests. I'm just so behind on EVERYTHING. (my fault, I know) But what can I do to fix it? The thing bugging me the most is being afraid of pretty much failing the nine weeks and pushing my friends away while I'm at it. [Oh, and failing to me is like getting C's] It feels like I've already pushed one away, and beginning to another..and another that's currently going through the 'process'. There's maybe one that can make this all better and I really don't want do without that person because once that happens, I don't think I'll ever be okay. [Don't ask me who, but if you think it's you; don't fret. Just be you and be there when I need you and that's all I could ever ask for.] Why is this happening to me? Why me? Please, tell me why? Please, don't leave me.
9:40pm - Still feeling kind of alone but I'll get through this. I'm slightly more optimistic about going to states money wise but we'll see how it goes. I had interesting dreams last night that I failed to mention earlier. I think I'll keep them to myself. hehe. Aside from that, I'm just getting the constant feeling that I'm just meant to be on my own and I need to learn to cope with it. There's really nothing anyone can do for me at the moment, minus the one person I mentioned earlier. The person just seems to be trying to slip away. I don't know. Don't even worry about it. I just want someone to be here for me right now. I just don't see that happening. Oh well. I'll get my stuff done...eventually right? maybe? hopefully? Good night. Off to dream land, where everything tends to be a tad better.

Picture for today: Kyle looking into the water.